How to Navigate Divorce When Your Ex is Difficult or Your Relationship is High-Conflict
This post is intended to be a survival guide for discerning women seeking clarity, protection, and healing in the wake of divorce. In my psychotherapy practice in New York City, I work closely with many high-achieving, emotionally attuned women navigating the complex terrain of divorce—often while parenting, managing demanding careers, and disentangling from high-conflict or narcissistic partners. These are not just women in crisis—they are women awakening. They come seeking more than legal advice; they come for nervous system repair, clarity, boundaries, reality testing, role and identity changes and the space to grieve and rebuild. My role is to support them not just as a therapist, but as a steady, confidential ally who understands the emotional, psychological, and practical toll that divorce takes—especially when children are involved and the relational dynamic has been chronically manipulative or unsafe. Whether we’re addressing trauma responses, co-parenting with a difficult ex, or reclaiming lost parts of the self, this work is deep, nuanced, and sacred.
Divorce is never just about two people. When children are involved—especially in New York City, where pressure, pace, and perfectionism run high—the stakes multiply. Add a difficult or high-conflict partner into the mix, and what should be a legal and emotional separation can feel more like psychological warfare. If you’re navigating this terrain, know this: you are not alone, and there are ways to move through it with strength, strategy, and your sanity intact. Whether you’re disentangling from a partner who gaslights, manipulates, refuses to co-parent, or subtly undermines your every effort to protect your children’s peace—you are in the right place. This guide is for the women I work with every day: smart, resilient, and emotionally attuned mothers in New York who want to shield their children while reclaiming their own voice.
Lessons from my own life experience with divorce
This work is deeply personal to me—not just because of my extensive training in trauma recovery, somatic psychotherapy, and high-conflict family dynamics, but because I’ve lived it. I’ve navigated my own difficult divorce, complete with the emotional exhaustion, identity loss, and the quiet ache of holding everything together for my children while unraveling inside. I know what it’s like to feel both fiercely capable and completely undone. That lived experience, paired with years of clinical expertise, allows me to sit with women in their darkest hours with a rare kind of knowing. I don’t just understand the theory—I understand the terrain. And I’ve learned, firsthand, that healing is not about pretending everything is fine, but about finding a path back to yourself that is grounded, wise, and unapologetically whole. That’s the journey I now have the privilege of walking alongside my clients every day.
Concierge care between sessions
In my practice, therapy doesn’t end when the session does. I offer a level of concierge support that recognizes the complex, high-stakes realities my clients face—especially those navigating divorce, parenting challenges, or high-conflict relationships. Between-session access means you're not left alone in moments of crisis, confusion, or emotional overwhelm. Whether it’s a brief check-in before a court appearance, guidance on how to respond to a difficult text, or support during a parenting transition, I provide a confidential, responsive lifeline when life gets loud. This kind of attuned, real-time support is particularly vital for women managing emotionally manipulative dynamics, custody conflicts, or public-facing responsibilities where discretion is non-negotiable. It’s not about dependency—it’s about having a steady, emotionally regulated guide in your corner when you need it most. With this concierge model, our work together becomes a living, breathing presence in your life—not just something that happens once a week behind closed doors.
Common Challenges Women Face in High-Conflict Divorces with Children
Divorce becomes a terrain of survival when a partner is:
Emotionally abusive or narcissistic
Chronically controlling or undermining
Unwilling to communicate effectively about shared custody
Weaponizing the children or the court system
Refusing to honor boundaries or agreements
Even when the ink on your divorce decree dries, the emotional manipulation may continue—through texts, custody exchanges, or court filings. The result? Ongoing hypervigilance, stress, and exhaustion.
1. Protecting Your Nervous System: Emotional Safety First
You cannot co-parent from a trauma state. When your body is in fight, flight, or freeze, logical decision-making is compromised. Begin here:
Practice daily nervous system regulation: breathing exercises, movement, somatic therapy, or EMDR.
Create emotional distance: Parallel parenting (vs. co-parenting) is often safer with high-conflict exes.
Limit direct communication: Use parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents to reduce verbal sparring and document everything.
Therapy tip: You don’t have to win arguments with a narcissist—you have to stop engaging with their game.
2. Legal Literacy Is Emotional Safety
Empower yourself with knowledge:
Know your rights: Understanding custody law helps you feel less powerless.
Document everything: Keep a detailed log of communications, missed pickups, and concerning behavior.
Work with trauma-informed legal professionals: Choose attorneys who understand high-conflict personalities and won’t push you into “amicable” when that’s unsafe.
Pro tip: Write every message as if a judge will read it—because one might.
3. Parenting Through the Storm: How to Protect Your Children
Your child’s nervous system is shaped by the relational environment. You can't change your ex, but you can influence how your child processes the stress:
Regulate yourself first: Children co-regulate with you.
Don’t badmouth, but don’t gaslight: Say age-appropriate truths like “Sometimes grown-ups struggle to be kind or fair.”
Create structure and predictability at home: Stability is the antidote to chaos.
Therapy for kids: Especially if there’s been verbal abuse, alienation, or behavioral changes.
Parenting mantra: I may not be able to protect them from everything, but I can show them what safety feels like.
4. Rebuilding a Self That Was Minimized
Divorce from a difficult partner often follows years of subtle erosion—of confidence, of joy, of identity. Reclamation is not a luxury; it’s essential:
Reconnect with parts of you that were silenced: Pleasure, creativity, friendships, intellect.
Set internal boundaries: No more explaining yourself to someone who distorts your reality.
Find a therapeutic space to process: Somatic therapy, trauma-focused work, or depth-oriented psychotherapy can help you feel whole again.
Healing question: Who was I before I learned to shrink myself to survive?
5. The Village You Need—And the One You Don’t
Support is essential, but not all support is helpful.
Curate your circle: Choose people who understand the nuance of high-conflict divorce.
Don’t waste energy explaining to those who don’t get it: Your truth doesn’t require consensus.
Work with specialists: Therapists who understand narcissistic abuse, divorce coaches, trauma-informed mediators.
Survival strategy: Let your life be a no-drama zone. Silence is also a boundary.
6. Strategic Self-Care: What That Actually Means
Self-care here isn’t bubble baths. It’s:
Leaving your phone in another room after 8 p.m.
Saying no to one-sided conversations.
Hiring a sitter so you can cry on a therapist’s couch uninterrupted.
Refusing to explain your boundaries to anyone who doesn’t respect them.
Care strategy: You are the home your children need—keep your structure strong.
7. You’re Not Crazy. You’re Being Undone by Crazy-Making Behavior
If you’re asking:
“Am I overreacting?”
“Why can’t I move on?”
“Why does this still hurt?”
…you’re likely in the aftermath of emotional abuse. It’s not your fault. And it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means your nervous system was conditioned to survive volatility.
Clinical note: Chronic gaslighting leads to emotional confusion, trauma bonds, and CPTSD symptoms. There is help.
8. What Real Healing Can Look Like
Real recovery means:
You stop waiting for them to acknowledge your pain.
You build a life where their opinion is irrelevant.
You stop trying to control outcomes and instead learn to trust your instincts.
You become your own safe parent. You become your child’s anchor. You become…free.
How I Help My Clients Not Just Survive Divorce—But Truly Thrive
Divorce—especially from a difficult or emotionally volatile partner—is often less a singular event and more a full-body unraveling. It can shake your identity, rupture your sense of safety, and leave you questioning what’s real. In my NYC-based psychotherapy practice, I help women move through this experience not just with survival strategies, but with the tools and insight needed to truly reclaim their lives.
Here’s how I support your transformation:
1. Nervous System Repair for Lasting Change
High-conflict relationships take a toll on your body and brain. Years of walking on eggshells, managing chaos, or anticipating the next emotional ambush can leave your nervous system in a chronic fight-or-flight state. Using mind-body psychotherapy, somatic techniques, and trauma-informed EMDR, I help you calm the inner alarm and feel safe in your body again—so your decisions come from clarity, not fear.
2. Strategic Emotional Boundaries
You don’t have to engage with every email, text, or accusation. I teach practical, sustainable boundary strategies that are tailored to high-conflict dynamics—whether you're co-parenting with a narcissist, navigating court systems, or simply trying to stop over-explaining your truth. Together, we develop scripts, communication plans, and mental frameworks that empower you to disengage from toxic cycles while protecting your peace.
3. Conscious Co-Parenting & Parallel Parenting Support
When children are involved, the emotional complexity deepens. I work closely with mothers to create structure, emotional safety, and resilience for their children—while also exploring when parallel parenting (versus idealized co-parenting) is the wiser, safer path. I help you show up as the calm, anchored parent your child needs, even when your co-parent remains unpredictable or undermining.
4. Identity Reclamation & Self-Worth Repair
Divorce can leave women feeling invisible or erased—especially if their former partner minimized, dismissed, or controlled them for years. Our work together becomes a space for you to rediscover who you are beneath the roles you've played. We explore your desires, your voice, your limits, and your longing. Through deep, emotionally intelligent therapy, I help you reclaim the parts of yourself you had to put away to survive.
5. Concierge-Level, Boutique Support
In a city that never stops moving, I offer an intentional space that feels like a pause. My boutique practice provides high-touch, deeply personalized care—tailored to the lives of women who are juggling careers, court proceedings, parenting schedules, and public-facing roles. Sessions are spacious, confidential, and flexible. Whether you need virtual support, intensive sessions, or direct access between appointments, we create a plan that works with your real life.
6. Healing the Invisible Wounds of Emotional Abuse
Many of my clients didn’t realize they were in abusive relationships until after they left. Gaslighting, emotional volatility, and coercive control leave lasting psychological imprints. I help you name what happened, work through the trauma responses that remain, and develop tools for recognizing red flags and reclaiming your internal compass. There is no shame here—only support, clarity, and a path forward.
This Isn’t Just About Divorce—It’s About Reinvention
Therapy isn’t just a place to process pain—it’s a place to reimagine your life. I help women move from reactivity to sovereignty, from emotional exhaustion to quiet strength. Together, we build a life post-divorce that is not only functional, but full of meaning, autonomy, and self-trust.
Final Word: You Can Survive This—and Then You Can Thrive
You are not too much. You are not too sensitive. You are not dramatic. You are waking up from a long and confusing dream where your truth was twisted. Now you get to write the next chapter.
If you’re in New York and navigating a divorce from a difficult partner, my boutique, exclusively virtual therapy practice is here to support you. This work is sacred. Together, we’ll build your emotional strength, strategic clarity, and nervous system resilience—so you can lead your family forward from a place of grace and grounded power.
About Holistic Therapy & Wellness New York
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is a New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana and virtually. As a wellness psychotherapist and holistic consultant, she has received advanced, extensive training in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kim Seelbrede specializes in anxiety, depression, trauma and women’s mental health. She brings over 20 years of counseling, coaching, and healing experience to her holistic practice and transformational work.
In addition to online therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship struggles, Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. New Yorkers often lead fast-paced and complex lives, which makes work-life balance and managing career, family and social obligations a challenge. Psychotherapy and wellness practices provide the support to help clients cultivate resources, resilience and enhanced emotional health, as well as uncover conflicts and obstacles that may interfere with having the life they desire.
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