What’s on Your Not-To-Do List? How Letting Go May Be the Key to Feeling Better
While reading a thoughtful article on Lifehacks, I was reminded of just how much pride we take in our daily to-do lists—and how deeply modern culture, particularly here in New York City, worships at the altar of productivity. We’re a society of movers and shakers. Our calendars are full, our inboxes overflowing, and we often measure self-worth by what we’ve accomplished by the end of the day.
But here’s a gentle reframe worth considering:
What if feeling better—more grounded, more content, even happier—wasn’t about doing more, but about doing less?
This article introduced a refreshing concept: the Not-To-Do List. Instead of optimizing every moment for efficiency, this list invites us to look inward and ask:
What am I doing—mentally, emotionally, behaviorally—that’s contributing to my unhappiness?
It’s a powerful question. And one that brings many people to therapy.
Why Therapy Often Begins With Unlearning
As a therapist working with high-functioning individuals, I often hear a version of this:
“I just want to feel better.”
But feeling better isn’t just about goals or action steps—it’s often about identifying the hidden habits and mental scripts that are making life harder than it needs to be.
We rarely pause to take inventory of the things we do automatically—judgmental self-talk, perfectionism, emotional avoidance, people-pleasing, numbing behaviors—that, over time, chip away at our capacity for joy, peace, and connection.
The Lifehacks article suggests something radical: Start your emotional healing by creating a personal list of habits that generate misery. Then, ask yourself honestly:
How are these behaviors serving me—and what might it feel like to gently let them go?
Therapy Techniques That Help You Break Free From Self-Defeating Patterns
When emotional pain feels chronic—whether in the form of anxiety, depression, burnout, or relationship struggles—therapy offers a space to slow down, zoom out, and get curious about what’s actually going on beneath the surface.
Here are some psychotherapy approaches that help clients examine the roots of their unhappiness and shift long-held patterns:
Cognitive Therapy for Depression
Helps identify and challenge distorted beliefs about the self, others, and the future. Clients learn to interrupt habitual negative thinking and replace it with more realistic, compassionate thoughts.
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)
An evidence-based approach that focuses on the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. CBT helps clients recognize automatic patterns and teaches practical tools for behavior change.
DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)
Particularly helpful for emotional sensitivity, interpersonal conflict, and black-and-white thinking. DBT introduces skills for emotional regulation, distress tolerance, effective communication, and mindfulness.
ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)
Teaches clients how to accept what is out of their control and commit to actions that align with their values. ACT incorporates mindfulness and helps clients unhook from unhelpful thought loops.
Psychodynamic and Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy
Explores unconscious patterns rooted in early relationships and past experiences. Clients often find relief in understanding how past dynamics may be shaping present struggles—and begin to feel more agency and insight.
The Therapy Goal: Unearth the Source of Suffering
At its core, therapy is about awareness and freedom.
It’s not just about treating a symptom—it’s about understanding where that symptom came from, how it's being reinforced, and what might happen if you made space for something new.
When you begin to uncover the why behind emotional distress, the rigid systems you’ve built to survive can start to soften. This is where change begins. This is where self-compassion takes root.
Ready to Explore Your Own Not-To-Do List?
If you’re constantly feeling depleted, anxious, or dissatisfied—even though “everything looks fine on the outside”—you might benefit from creating a personal inventory of emotional habits that no longer serve you. This practice, especially when done in the presence of a skilled therapist, can be deeply clarifying and healing.
You don’t have to do more to feel better.
Sometimes, the first step is to do less—and feel more.
Please enjoy the article that inspired this reflection:
Ten Recipes for Guaranteed Unhappiness – Lifehacks via Medium
About Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness Manhattan
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is a New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana and virtually. As a wellness psychotherapist and holistic consultant, she has received advanced, extensive training in Trauma Therapy, Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kimberly Seelbrede specializes in anxiety & mood disorders, trauma and women’s mental health. She brings over 20 years of counseling, coaching, and healing experience to her holistic practice and transformational work.
In addition to online therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship struggles, Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. New Yorkers often lead fast-paced and complex lives, which makes work-life balance and managing career, family and social obligations a challenge. Psychotherapy and wellness practices provide the support to help clients cultivate resources, resilience and enhanced emotional health, as well as uncover conflicts and obstacles that may interfere with having the life they desire.
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