therapy for self-sabotage

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Is the self-sabotage part of you messing with the life you desire? Break Unconscious Patterns such as self-sabotage, Heal Root Causes, and Create Lasting Change with Integrative therapy, EMDR & IFS.

Self-sabotage and self-defeating behaviors can quietly undermine your success, relationships, confidence, and sense of fulfillment—often without you fully understanding why. You may find yourself repeating patterns that contradict your goals, avoiding opportunities you genuinely want, or engaging in behaviors that leave you feeling frustrated, ashamed, or stuck.

At Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness Manhattan, I provide integrative, trauma-informed psychotherapy for individuals struggling with self-sabotage, chronic self-defeating patterns, and inner resistance. Together, we explore the deeper emotional, psychological, and nervous system roots of these behaviors so that change becomes sustainable—not forced.

Healing self-sabotage is not about willpower. It is about understanding what your system learned long ago and gently helping it update.

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage refers to unconscious behaviors, habits, or thought patterns that interfere with your long-term goals, values, and well-being—even when you consciously want change.

Common examples include:

  • Procrastinating on important tasks

  • Staying in unhealthy relationships

  • Avoiding opportunities for success or visibility

  • Engaging in addictions or compulsive behaviors

  • Perfectionism that prevents completion

  • Chronic self-criticism and negative self-talk

  • Undermining progress after making gains

Self-sabotage is not a character flaw. It is a protective strategy that once served a purpose—often rooted in early experiences, attachment wounds, trauma, or chronic stress.

Why People Develop Self-Defeating Patterns

Most self-defeating behaviors originate as adaptive survival responses. At some point in your life, your nervous system learned that certain behaviors increased safety, belonging, or emotional protection.

Common roots include:

  • Childhood emotional neglect or criticism

  • Trauma or chronic invalidation

  • Conditional love or approval

  • Insecure attachment patterns

  • Shame-based environments

  • Unpredictable caregivers

  • Bullying or social rejection

  • High-pressure or perfectionistic households

If success, visibility, closeness, or self-expression once felt dangerous, your system may now associate growth with threat—even when circumstances have changed.

The Psychology of Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is often driven by internal conflicts between:

  • A part of you that wants growth, success, intimacy, or change

  • A part of you that fears loss, rejection, abandonment, failure, or exposure

This inner split can show up as:

  • Starting strong, then stalling

  • Creating crises when things are going well

  • Choosing familiar pain over unfamiliar possibility

  • Feeling blocked without knowing why

Therapy helps bring these internal dynamics into awareness so they can be resolved rather than fought.

Common Forms of Self-Defeating Behaviors

  • Chronic procrastination

  • Avoidance and withdrawal

  • Perfectionism and over-control

  • Substance misuse

  • Disordered eating patterns

  • Compulsive behaviors (shopping, gambling, porn, overworking)

  • Repeated unhealthy relationship choices

  • People-pleasing at the expense of self

  • Emotional numbing

  • Self-criticism and harsh inner dialogue

Many individuals experience several of these simultaneously.

Signs You May Be Struggling With Self-Sabotage

  • You know what you want but can’t seem to move toward it

  • You repeat the same painful patterns despite insight

  • You feel stuck, blocked, or chronically unmotivated

  • You undermine opportunities for growth

  • You fear success as much as failure

  • You experience shame about your behavior

  • You feel “broken” or defective

These experiences are signals—not verdicts.

How Trauma and the Nervous System Drive Self-Sabotage

When the nervous system perceives threat, it prioritizes survival over growth.

This can activate:

  • Freeze (shutdown, numbness, procrastination)

  • Flight (avoidance, distraction)

  • Fight (self-criticism, inner attacks)

  • Fawn (people-pleasing, self-abandonment)

Even when no external danger exists, the body may still be responding to old memory networks. Sustainable change requires working with the nervous system—not against it.

Self-Sabotage and Co-Occurring Conditions

Self-defeating behaviors frequently overlap with:

  • Anxiety disorders

  • Depression

  • ADHD

  • Complex trauma (C-PTSD)

  • Low self-esteem

  • Shame-based identity

  • Attachment wounds

  • Burnout

  • Relationship trauma

A comprehensive therapeutic approach addresses both symptoms and underlying drivers.

How Therapy Helps Heal Self-Sabotage at the Root

Therapy focuses on resolution, not suppression.

Together we work to:

  • Identify unconscious protective patterns

  • Understand their origin and purpose

  • Process unresolved emotional memory

  • Build nervous system regulation

  • Develop internal safety

  • Strengthen self-trust and agency

  • Replace survival strategies with conscious choice

This creates change that feels organic rather than forced.

Therapeutic Approaches I Use

EMDR Therapy

Reprocesses traumatic memory networks linked to fear, shame, and self-defeating beliefs.

Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Works with inner “parts” that hold fear, self-criticism, or protective roles.

Somatic Psychotherapy

Addresses body-based patterns and nervous system dysregulation.

Psychodynamic Psychotherapy

Explores unconscious relational and developmental roots.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Helps identify and shift distorted thinking patterns.

Mindfulness-Based Interventions

Build awareness and choice around automatic behaviors.

Each treatment plan is individualized.

What Healing Looks Like

  • Increased follow-through

  • Reduced inner resistance

  • Less shame and self-attack

  • Clearer decision-making

  • Healthier relationships

  • Greater self-trust

  • Ability to tolerate success and visibility

  • Sustainable motivation

  • Emotional steadiness

Healing is not perfection—it is flexibility, awareness, and self-compassion.

Self-Sabotage Is Not a Life Sentence

You are not broken.
You are not lazy.
You are not defective.

Your system learned patterns to survive.

With the right support, those patterns can evolve.

Who I Work With

  • High-functioning professionals

  • Creatives and entrepreneurs

  • Individuals in therapy who feel stuck

  • People with repeated relationship patterns

  • Adults with trauma histories

  • Those struggling with procrastination or avoidance

  • Individuals seeking deeper change beyond coping

Self-Sabotage Therapy in NYC & Teletherapy Across New York State

Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness Manhattan offers confidential, trauma-informed psychotherapy for self-sabotage and self-defeating behaviors.

Sessions available in 60, 90, and extended formats.
Secure teletherapy available throughout New York State.

Begin Your Healing

You don’t need to keep fighting yourself.
You don’t need to figure this out alone.
Change becomes possible when the root is addressed.

Schedule a confidential consultation to explore whether we’re a good fit.