Well+Being Holistic Mental Health
Emotional Health & Wellness Tips From The Therapy Couch And Other Places
The Healing Power Of Relational Psychotherapy
We are all born with unique attributes and qualities. If we are fortunate enough to have optimal circumstances and nurturance along the way, we develop into secure adults. Adults with secure attachment and relational capacity are able to have meaningful experiences and relationships. They feel safe in the world and with others. Secure individuals are free to thrive.
As it turns out, most of us have had more adversity than is helpful. While some adversity makes us strong (we develop skill and resilience), too much adversity threatens to overwhelm us. It interferes with growth, because we are unable to feel safe, explore the world and develop adaptive coping strategies. Reduced capacity to cope naturally leads to anxiety, depression, addictions, compulsions, eating disorders and other troubling symptoms. When symptoms and poor coping takes over, our ability to establish healthy relationships, maintain those relationships and function well in the world is diminished. Sometimes we are fortunate enough to make an important connection to begin the healing process. The therapeutic relationship is one way to begin to heal.
Mental health seems to be experiencing a time of less stigma and greater awareness. People seem to feel safe sharing their mental health struggles on social media. The pandemic certainly led to an increase in loneliness, isolation, anxiety and terror, which led many to seek therapy and counseling, sometimes for the first time. This exploration to find a therapist also led to a great deal of confusion. With so many potential therapists and different therapeutic orientations, the big question becomes, “what’s the right type of therapy for me?”
Many want a quick fix as they enter therapy. Of course, short-term models that offer skill building and concrete interventions have their place. The problem with this strategy is that it rarely moves the needle when it comes to true healing.
On Well-Being
Human well-being and the ability to flourish is only possible when we feel safe and secure in the world. When this basic need to feel safe is not met, our sympathetic nervous system is activated, and we default to and inhabit a “fight or flight” stress response. In flight-fight, anything not essential for immediate survival is turned off—this includes the immune system, the digestive system, the human growth and reproductive systems. When these systems are turned off for too long, or are turned on and off too frequently, they break down, leading to the illnesses of modernity: diabetes, heart disease, infertility, obesity, anxiety, depression, autoimmune diseases, sleep disorders, and on.
This activated stress response can lead to detrimental changes in the structure of the brain and negatively impact emotional regulation, attention, concentration, and memory. Psychologically, when in the stress response, we pre-consciously sense our very survival is at stake, and in this activated state, the natural state of being open, relaxed, and receptive is not available to us. Instead, we are vigilant and tense, psychologically defensive and contracted. In
Successful Couples Do (And Don’t Do) These Things
What Makes a Relationship Last? Essential Habits of Emotionally Connected Couples
Couples who build emotionally satisfying and long-lasting partnerships often follow a quiet formula—a combination of relational insight, intentional behavior, and consistent effort. These are the couples who don't just survive the ups and downs of life together but thrive in a mutually supportive, emotionally rich dynamic.
At Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness NY, I frequently work with individuals and couples who long for deeper connection and harmony in their relationships. The good news is that relationship mastery is not an innate gift—it’s a set of skills that can be developed. According to world-renowned researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman, couples who succeed share key emotional habits and mindsets. They are what the Gottmans call the “masters” of relationships.
Here are key insights on what emotionally intelligent couples avoid—and what they intentionally practice—to create lasting love and connection.
What to Stop Doing in Your Relationship
If you're experiencing repeated conflict, emotional disconnection, or cycles of resentment, it may be time to examine the following unhelpful behaviors:
Stop keeping score
Keeping emotional tallies of who did what leads to resentment and emotional distance. A healthy relationship is not a transaction—it's a partnership based on mutual respect and shared effort. If you feel the load is uneven, bring it up with compassion and clarity using "I" statements instead of blame.
Avoid power struggles and emotional bullying
The need to be right or to win an argument can drain the vitality from your relationship. Consider whether it's worth the emotional toll. If you're pushing your partner to agree with you, or if your tone causes shutdown, try using more effective communication tools. Being right is not the same as being close.
Stop trying to change your partner
Attempts to control, fix, or "improve" your partner often lead to defensiveness and frustration. Instead, work on accepting your partner as they are—or change how you respond to the behaviors that trigger you. If your partner’s actions are harmful or destructive, seek help from a licensed couples therapist to explore boundary-setting and safety.
Don’t judge or dismiss your partner’s emotions
Feelings are not facts, but they are meaningful. When your partner shares emotional content, meet it with curiosity, not correction. You don't have to agree, but validating your partner's experience can open the door to deeper understanding and emotional intimacy.