Successful Couples Do (And Don’t Do) These Things
What Makes a Relationship Last? Essential Habits of Emotionally Connected Couples
Couples who build emotionally satisfying and long-lasting partnerships often follow a quiet formula—a combination of relational insight, intentional behavior, and consistent effort. These are the couples who don't just survive the ups and downs of life together but thrive in a mutually supportive, emotionally rich dynamic.
At Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness NY, I frequently work with individuals and couples who long for deeper connection and harmony in their relationships. The good news is that relationship mastery is not an innate gift—it’s a set of skills that can be developed. According to world-renowned researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman, couples who succeed share key emotional habits and mindsets. They are what the Gottmans call the “masters” of relationships.
Here are key insights on what emotionally intelligent couples avoid—and what they intentionally practice—to create lasting love and connection.
What to Stop Doing in Your Relationship
If you're experiencing repeated conflict, emotional disconnection, or cycles of resentment, it may be time to examine the following unhelpful behaviors:
Stop keeping score
Keeping emotional tallies of who did what leads to resentment and emotional distance. A healthy relationship is not a transaction—it's a partnership based on mutual respect and shared effort. If you feel the load is uneven, bring it up with compassion and clarity using "I" statements instead of blame.
Avoid power struggles and emotional bullying
The need to be right or to win an argument can drain the vitality from your relationship. Consider whether it's worth the emotional toll. If you're pushing your partner to agree with you, or if your tone causes shutdown, try using more effective communication tools. Being right is not the same as being close.
Stop trying to change your partner
Attempts to control, fix, or "improve" your partner often lead to defensiveness and frustration. Instead, work on accepting your partner as they are—or change how you respond to the behaviors that trigger you. If your partner’s actions are harmful or destructive, seek help from a licensed couples therapist to explore boundary-setting and safety.
Don’t judge or dismiss your partner’s emotions
Feelings are not facts, but they are meaningful. When your partner shares emotional content, meet it with curiosity, not correction. You don't have to agree, but validating your partner's experience can open the door to deeper understanding and emotional intimacy.
Avoid competition and comparison
Competing with your partner—especially in the realms of success, parenting, or emotional contribution—undermines your bond. Healthy couples operate as a team. If you struggle to support your partner’s wins, it may be helpful to explore the roots of this dynamic in individual or couples therapy.
Beware of the Four Horsemen
The Gottmans identified four key predictors of relationship breakdown:
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Becoming aware of these patterns in your communication can help you shift toward healthier and more productive ways of relating. Learn more at the Gottman Institute’s Relationship Blog.
What Emotionally Intelligent Couples Do Differently
If you're ready to cultivate a more satisfying, connected relationship, consider integrating the following habits:
Share feelings and make clear requests
Use open, vulnerable language to communicate your emotional experience. For example:
“I feel overlooked when we don’t make decisions together. I’d like us to plan our vacations as a team.”
Avoid blame. Focus on your needs, and express what you'd like to see happen moving forward.
Validate your partner’s perspective
You don’t have to agree with everything your partner says—but recognizing that their viewpoint is valid creates emotional safety. When partners feel heard and acknowledged, they are more likely to soften and reciprocate.
Make regular emotional deposits
Small, consistent gestures of kindness, love, and affection build what the Gottmans call the “emotional bank account.” This might look like making coffee for your partner, leaving a kind note, or giving a spontaneous compliment. These small acts often pave the way for greater emotional and physical intimacy.
Create intentional time to connect
Make space in your week to reconnect—without phones or distractions. Share your highs and lows, your disappointments, hopes, and successes. This practice not only increases closeness but allows you both to feel truly seen and understood.
Reinstate a weekly date night
Romantic connection often gets buried under daily responsibilities. Even if you’re busy or overwhelmed, scheduling time to connect romantically can reignite passion and reduce stress. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. The intention matters most.
Establish shared goals and values
Couples who dream and plan together tend to feel more like partners. Spend time discussing your shared vision—whether that’s financial goals, parenting values, career transitions, or travel plans. Collaborating builds trust and deepens the sense of being on the same team.
Ready to Improve Your Relationship?
Relationships require intention, vulnerability, and skill. If you and your partner are struggling with communication, emotional distance, or repeated conflict, therapy can help you build the tools needed to reconnect. At Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness NY, I specialize in integrative couples therapy for professionals, creatives, and high-functioning individuals who want more from their relationships.
Together, we can explore underlying patterns, enhance emotional awareness, and create new ways of relating—so that both of you feel heard, respected, and emotionally safe.
About Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness Manhattan
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is a New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana and virtually. As a wellness psychotherapist and holistic consultant, she has receive advanced, extensive training in Trauma Therapy, Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kimberly Seelbrede specializes in anxiety & mood disorders, trauma and women’s mental health. She brings over 20 years of counseling, coaching, and healing experience to her holistic practice and transformational work.
In addition to online therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship struggles, Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. New Yorkers often lead fast-paced and complex lives, which makes work-life balance and managing career, family and social obligations a challenge. Psychotherapy and wellness practices provide the support to help clients cultivate resources, resilience and enhanced emotional health, as well as uncover conflicts and obstacles that may interfere with having the life they desire.