Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: Reclaiming Self-Worth Through Therapy and EMDR
We’ve all been there—agreeing to something (again) that we knew wasn’t right for us. Now we’re stuck, overwhelmed, and resentful. How many times do we need to abandon our own needs, ignore that quiet inner voice, or sideline our authentic self before we realize it’s a pattern? The truth is, it often takes hitting that emotional breaking point—getting truly fed up with ourselves—before we’re ready to stop people-pleasing and start exploring why we keep putting ourselves last.
The issue of people-pleasing is one of the most common reasons people seek therapy. It’s more than just a habit—it’s often a deeply ingrained survival strategy, shaped by early experiences and reinforced over time. Because of this, it can feel almost hard-wired into your nervous system, which is why it’s so resistant to change through willpower alone.
If you frequently find yourself prioritizing other people’s comfort over your own, saying yes when you genuinely want to say no, or shrinking your needs to avoid conflict, you’re not just being “too nice”—you’re likely caught in a long-standing pattern that once kept you safe, but now keeps you stuck.
Therapy offers a space to explore where that pattern began, why it persists, and—most importantly—how to begin choosing yourself without guilt or fear.
People-pleasing isn’t just about being nice or agreeable. It’s often a survival strategy shaped by early life experiences, where maintaining harmony and avoiding conflict became essential to feeling safe, loved, or accepted. What may have once protected you has now become an exhausting, self-erasing habit.
At Holistic Psychotherapy, EMDR, and Wellness NY, I specialize in helping clients untangle these patterns—so you can stop living for others and start living for yourself.
People-Pleasing as a Trauma Response
For many, people-pleasing is not simply a personality trait—it’s a response to relational trauma. Childhood environments where love felt conditional, where emotional expression was discouraged, or where conflict led to disconnection often shape the belief that it’s safer to be accommodating than authentic.
When you grow up learning that approval equals safety, your nervous system becomes wired to anticipate rejection, read emotional cues intensely, and silence your own needs to maintain connection. This internalized message—“I’m only worthy when I’m useful, agreeable, or successful”—can linger for decades.
This trauma response often shows up in adulthood as:
Constantly putting others' needs before your own
Anxiety about setting boundaries or saying no
Fear of disappointing, upsetting, or inconveniencing others
Over-apologizing, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
Feeling depleted, invisible, or resentful in relationships
Struggling to identify what you actually want or need
These patterns aren’t your fault. They are adaptive responses that once helped you stay safe in challenging environments. But now, they may be limiting your sense of self and your ability to form healthy, reciprocal relationships.
Why Therapy Helps You Break the Cycle
Therapy provides a compassionate space to understand where people-pleasing began, how it continues to show up, and how to shift into a more empowered way of relating to yourself and others.
In our work together, you can:
Explore the roots of low self-worth and develop true self-compassion
Uncover the fears driving your need for approval or avoidance of conflict
Learn how to set and maintain boundaries without guilt or fear
Practice self-advocacy and emotional expression in safe ways
Reconnect with your authentic voice, values, and desires
I use a blend of holistic, evidence-based approaches, including:
Psychodynamic therapy to explore formative relationships
Internal Family Systems (IFS) to work with the protective parts of you that learned to please others
Somatic therapy to notice how these patterns live in your body
CBT to challenge the belief systems keeping you stuck
EMDR therapy to reach deeply into the core of the behavior
While these methods support important shifts in awareness and behavior, there’s one approach that can go even deeper—helping to transform the root causes of people-pleasing, not just the symptoms.
EMDR for People-Pleasing: Healing at the Root
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a trauma-informed therapy that helps you reprocess painful experiences from the past so they no longer control your reactions in the present.
For people-pleasers, EMDR can be life-changing.
People-pleasing is often tied to experiences where you felt unseen, rejected, criticized, or only loved when you performed or conformed. Your nervous system learned:
“It’s not safe to upset others.”
“If I make a mistake, I’ll be abandoned.”
“I have to earn my worth by staying agreeable.”
These beliefs are often linked to specific memories—maybe it was a moment you were scolded for expressing a need, ignored when upset, or only praised when achieving.
How EMDR Works in This Context
EMDR targets those foundational memories and beliefs through bilateral stimulation (such as eye movements or tapping), allowing your brain to reprocess the emotional charge stored in those experiences.
Rather than reliving trauma, EMDR allows your brain to finish processing it—so you’re no longer stuck in survival mode.
Through this process, clients often experience powerful shifts in belief, such as:
“I can be honest without losing connection.”
“I am enough, even when I disappoint someone.”
“It’s okay to take up space.”
“I am allowed to have needs.”
These new, adaptive beliefs take root not just cognitively, but emotionally and physically—leading to real, lasting change in how you show up in relationships and in your own life.
The Difference Between Coping and Healing
Many therapeutic approaches focus on teaching coping strategies: how to say no, how to set boundaries, how to manage anxiety. These are essential skills—but when your nervous system still links disagreement with danger, or rejection with unworthiness, coping will only get you so far.
EMDR goes beyond coping. It helps rewire the origin of the behavior so the urge to please and perform loses its emotional charge. You’re no longer white-knuckling your way through setting a boundary—you’re actually at peace with honoring yourself.
This is the difference between managing your people-pleasing and liberating yourself from it.
The Benefits of Virtual EMDR and Psychotherapy
New Yorkers rarely have time to commute to a therapy suite for in-person sessions. That’s why I offer virtual therapy—so you can receive expert care without leaving your home or office.
Virtual therapy offers:
Scheduling flexibility that works with demanding careers or parenting
Increased privacy and convenience
Access to EMDR and holistic care, even if you’re outside Manhattan
A deeper sense of comfort, doing sessions from your own space
Virtual therapy is just as effective as in-person sessions, and many clients find it easier to integrate into their busy lives.
You Deserve to Feel Whole and Heard
Healing from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming cold or self-centered. It’s about learning that your needs matter too. That you are allowed to rest, take up space, speak your truth, and say no without guilt.
It’s about letting go of the pressure to be “perfect” for everyone else—and stepping into a version of yourself that is grounded, confident, and whole.
At Holistic Psychotherapy, EMDR, and Wellness NY, I help clients move from self-abandonment to self-trust. Through individualized therapy and EMDR, we can work together to break long-standing patterns of people-pleasing and rebuild a stronger, healthier relationship with yourself.
Ready to Begin Your Healing?
If you're tired of living in fear of disappointing others, of putting your own needs last, and of feeling anxious every time you consider setting a boundary—you're not alone. And you don’t have to keep doing it this way.
Therapy can help. EMDR can transform. And you can reclaim a life that feels authentic, steady, and yours.
Contact me today to schedule a virtual consultation. Let’s begin the work of helping you come home to yourself.